The Benefits of Remaining Friends After Divorce

Divorce is an extremely difficult thing for any man or woman to go through. That’s because most people really believe that they will be with their partner for life when they get married to them.

Unfortunately, couples can split and problems in relationships aren’t always repairable. When that happens, divorce is often the best option for both parties, no matter how hard it feels at the time.

As tough as it can be to move on from a divorce, cutting that person out of your life may not always be the best move. Keep reading to learn more about the benefits of remaining friends with your partner after getting a divorce.

Better Relationships With Kids

Not every couple that gets married and divorced has kids to think about. However, if you do, there’s a good chance that your children are incredibly important to both you and your ex-husband or ex-wife.

When it comes to seeing your children, remaining friends after a divorce can make the situation much more civil. When you’re friends with somebody and still show that you care, even if you’re divorced from them, you’ll be a lot more likely to give and get sympathy when it comes to visitation.

Your children will also likely notice how you interact with your ex as well. Nasty divorces that turn into years of hatred are hard on children. Be a positive force in their life even if you are dealing with divorce in your life.

Coping With Loss Is Easier

Going through a breakup alone can be tough. You might not think your ex is the person to console you, but the fact is they might be of help during your divorce.

Keep communication open so you can discuss the situation calmly while going through it. You’ll come out the other side healthier and happier if you do.

You’ll Keep Loved Ones Close

When you get a divorce it’s not uncommon to feel like you’ve been betrayed or like something has gone very wrong in your life. The fact is that something probably did turn out a way that you definitely didn’t plan on. That doesn’t mean that the person you loved once is gone or that they have to be out of your life.

When you get married to someone, you have a deep connection and a great love for them. Pushing them away entirely, or simply not embracing them as somebody you will always care about, can be hard on you and them.

Maintaining a friendship with an ex-husband or ex-wife allows you to keep people that you love close in your life. There are only a few people in the world that you’ll ever love as much as somebody you were once married to after all.

Even if you need a break from the person for a while to get your emotions in order, consider maintaining a friendship down the road. Keep the line of communication open and you’ll find that getting through a divorce is much easier when you know you’ll at least have a friend in the end.

Making it through a divorce can be hard, but with time and self-care, it is something that you can do. While you might be angry now, remaining friends with your ex over time can be a very smart move for your mental health.

Don’t push people out of your life just because your situation changed. There’s a good chance they need you as much as you need them as well. Don’t forget that, no matter how hard it can be to remember when going through a divorce.

What Does Family Law Encompass?

Family law covers a host of legal areas including those related to marriage and children. Common issues for a family law practice include divorce, child custody (along with visitation rights) and adoption. In other words, this legal area deals with all legal topics related to households. It encompasses the beginning of households and the division of them.

Common Issues Seen in Family Law Practices

• Child Custody
  The most common area dealt with by family lawyers is the matter of child custody. Decisions regarding custody can be particularly difficult during a divorce because the parents may be distrustful of each other at this point. In an effort to act in the child’s best interests, a court may assign legal and physical custody to one of the parents or it may decide that those rights should be shared. The result of a shared custody decision would have the child spending weekends, summers and alternate holidays with the parent who does not have custody. In such an arrangement, both parents would have an equal say in decisions that affect the child.
• Child Support
  Child support is another common part of family law since all parents are legally obligated to provide for their children. The amount to be paid will be calculated according to the laws of the state. Because custody and child support orders can be modified, family lawyers spend a lot of time representing their clients in proceedings to have the orders modified. The party requesting the modification will have to show the court that circumstances have changed in the period since the order was entered.
• Paternity
  Many family law cases also revolve around the establishment or disproving of paternity; however, this area has become less complicated with the advent of DNA testing.
• Abuse
  Family law also includes the prevention of abuse. Judges can assert jurisdiction in order to protect someone if an allegation of physical or emotional abuse has been made. The person making the allegation may be a child, a senior citizen or a spouse. In such a case, a judge will usually prevent further contact by issuing a restraining order.

When is it Necessary to Have Family Lawyer?
The need for an attorney is largely dependent on factors that are unique to your case.  For example, a couple may not need an attorney if they want to get married; however, the services of an attorney may be necessary if one party wants the other to sign a prenuptial agreement. A prenuptial agreement allows a couple to opt out of their state’s default laws.

Having the services of an experienced attorney who is knowledgeable about this area of law can be advantageous. Family attorneys know how find assets that the other party has attempted to hide as well as how to present arguments related to child support and visitation. If talks between the parties fail, a family lawyer can take the case to trial. The services of a family attorney are necessary in uncontested cases as well since an individual may inadvertently waive important rights.

What To Ask Your Divorce Attorney

Choosing the right attorney when you’re going through a divorce is one of the most important decisions you’ll make during the process. It’s certainly worth taking the time to find the right one.

You may want to visit several lawyers before deciding which one to hire. But how do you decide? Here are some questions to ask each attorney that can help you make your final choice.

What’s your experience?

It’s important to understand what kind of experience the lawyer has with divorces and whether they’ve handled cases like your own. Ask for details about specific divorces they’ve handled like yours without breaching client confidence. And it’s helpful to find out about his or her’s educational background – specifically college and law school.

How will I be charged?

Ask how you will be charged – is it hourly? Also, ask whether or not you’ll be charged for spending time with other lawyers, paralegals, and secretaries. At what rate? Are there other fees, costs, and expenses?

Will anyone else help with my case?

There may be others in the attorney’s office who also will work on your case. Ask if you can meet them.

Do you advocate mediation?

In mediation, you and your spouse meet with a neutral third party – a mediator – to resolve issues as amicably and in the most cost-effective way possible. Ask your lawyer if he or she is an advocate of mediation and if so, what mediators they recommend. Ask them if they (the attorney) will need to be there during the entire mediation process or will they serve as more of a consultant on an as-needed basis.

What’s your estimated total cost?

Some attorneys may resist answering this question because how long your case takes depends on its level of conflict. An honest attorney will probably answer that it’s difficult to estimate the costs of the divorce in advance. One who gives you an unrealistic low estimate may just be trying to get your business. You should also ask if there are ways you can keep the cost of your divorce down.

Will there be other costs?

There may be other costs involved with the case, such as for physicians, private investigators, forensic accountants, psychologists, etc. How will you be charged for them?

Do you specialize in divorces?

For many attorneys, divorces are just part of their practice. Ask whether your attorney specializes in divorces or not, and how long they have been doing divorce work.

What other services will I need?

Will there be other services connected with your divorce that you’ll need, such as deeds, trusts, an update will, bills of sale, etc.?

What do you see as the outcome?

Ask your lawyer, based on the information he or she has about your case, how they think a judge would rule on it. Are there facts that might make the ruling more in your favor?

How long will my case take?

Based on the available facts and his or her strategy, can your lawyer estimate how long it will take to resolve your case?

Do you have malpractice insurance?

Not all lawyers carry malpractice insurance, meaning if you got a judgment against them for poor work you might not be able to collect any money on the judgment.

8 Signs Your Divorce is Stressing Out Your Child

If you’re like most parents, the well-being of your child is high on your list of worries if you’re going through a divorce. A divorce is a huge upheaval for everyone in a family – even it’s handled with care.

While children aren’t always able to express their feelings as effectively as adults, there are certain signs and behaviors that indicate the divorce is causing them excess stress. Let’s take a look at some of those signs:

1. Regressive Behavior

A five-year-old who begins to wet their pants again may very well be showing signs of stress because of the divorce. Or, a young adolescent may start to fear being away from home for an extended period. If symptoms like these persist over several weeks, it’s a strong indication that your child is overly stressed by the divorce.

2. Refusal To Spend Time With One Parent

A child who refuses to spend time with one parent is not only under a lot of stress but also feeling the need to take sides. Unless there were issues of abuse, no child should be put into a position where they feel like they have to choose one parent over the other.

3. Trouble Concentrating On School Work

A child under extreme stress may often experience a change in school performance. A typical ‘A’ student may start flunking tests or lose interest in school activities.

4. Sleep Difficulties

If you child is feeling the stress of your divorce, he or she may experience sleep disorders such as prolonged difficulty in trying to sleep or staying asleep. They may also experience frequent nightmares or night terrors. Sleep-related fear is a common response for children who are in stressful or traumatic experiences such as divorce.

5. Increase In Physical Ailments

Children often have an increase in physical illnesses such as stomach aches and headaches when their parents are going through a divorce. Allergy symptoms are another sign that they’re suffering emotional distress.

6. Anger/Overreactions

Is your child suddenly over-reacting to minor problems – problems which they easily handled before? This is another sign that they’re experiencing excess stress that often manifests itself in anger (such as temper tantrums) or in a refusal to follow family rules. Some children develop verbal aggression in which they frequently lash out at others and engage in name-calling.

7. Withdrawing

Divorce and other stressful situations can cause a child to feel left out or scared. In turn, they may exhibit a lack of desire to engage in their usual school, family, social, and athletic activities. Maintaining familiar routines while offering plenty of positive support can help a child who’s become withdrawn because of the divorce.

8. A Change In Eating Habits

A loss or increase of appetite is another sign that you child is experiencing stress. They can also indicate anxiety and depression in some cases. It’s important to keep an eye on sudden changes in eating patterns.

It’s clear that children – and adults – have many adjustments and challenges to meet during a divorce. While each child’s acclimation to divorce is different, and most will become well-adjusted adults, it’s important to monitor their signs of distress during the entire divorce process and beyond.

Pensions and Divorce

The single most important aspect of a divorce, for a couple without children, is the allocation of assets and income. Because these assets must be divvied up according to law, and pensions fall under the umbrella of retirement accounts, you are entitled to a portion of your spouse’s retirement earnings.

What is the Breakdown of Pension Funds?

As with other assets, the breakdown is dependent on the length of your marriage; generally, only the part of your (or your spouse’s) pension that accrued during the term of your marriage are judged during the divorce. This varies somewhat by state; but the general principles are the same: for shorter marriages, less pension money – and retirement accounts in general – are subject to division in a court of law.

For states that mandate division of pension between former spouses, your ex-spouse does not need to be actually retired yet in order for you to be entitled to a portion of the account.

Depending on the specifics of family law in the San Francisco Bay Area, if there’s a situation in which your spouse was not actually eligible for a pension before the dissolution of the marriage, then you are probably not entitled to the retirement account – but, of course, you should speak with an attorney to be certain. Similarly, if the money in the pension account built up before or after your marriage, then you may not have any legal claim to the fund.

With this said, there are some states that do not mandate any pension benefits to a divorcing spouse, while others automatically award half. A very good guideline for how you can expect your pension to be divvied up is the property division laws endemic to your particular state; it is best to get in touch with a local family law attorney for specifics.

Pension and Divorce as Pertains to Child Support

Although you may consider child support and pension payments as separate – and they are, for the most part – the amount you receive for child support can affect how much you receive from your spouse’s pension fund. This varies from state to state; generally, child support derives from calculations involving the parents’ income. In California, there’s a variety of other considerations:

• how much either spouse spends on children outside of their dissolved marriage
• the amount of time (percentage) that each parent spends with the child
• health care payments and premiums
• taxes and union dues, etc

These are subtracted from the net income to determine child support payments, which in turn influences the portion of pension fund payments to which you are entitled. For example, let’s say your ex-spouse is the one responsible for child support payments. If your ex-spouse’s pension payments accrued during your marriage and your ex-spouse starts collecting, then she may actually have to pay more in child support as a result of the increase in income. If alternatively, you are the one who gets pension payments, then the child support you receive from your ex-spouse can be reduced.

Contact a Family Law Attorney

As you can see, pension funds are treated as other joint assets; but only dependent on the period during which the money accrues. As a retirement account, they can have an effect on child support payments; reducing them if you are the beneficiary of both the pension fund and child support payments, or increasing them if you pay child support and also have the pension fund. For detailed information, it is best you speak with a San Francisco family law attorney.

6 Financial Mistakes to Avoid During Divorce

Divorce can be a distressing life event. Yet, taking the time to think through each step of the process, you can negotiate from a much stronger position. And, by avoiding these six financial mistakes, your negotiations are more likely to result in a fair settlement and a positive, workable plan for moving forward.

1. Do not underestimate your expenses. Most of us are pretty clear about how much money is coming into our households; however, few of us actually know just how much we spend.

If you don’t already have a budget, then start one. For 30 days, record every penny you spend so that you have an accurate accounting of your expenses.

Once you know how much is coming in and going out, look at what your household will cost to run 10 to 20 years out. Factor in inflation so that you also negotiate with a clear picture of how your finances will look in the future.

2. Look closely at who should have the family home. The family home is tough to think about giving up, especially if you will be the custodial parent. However, the home is an asset, and deciding who should live in it post-divorce should be a financial, not an emotional, decision.

The person who can pay the mortgage and keep up with repairs should take the home. If that is not you, or the two of you cannot agree, then put the house on the market.

3. Make sure your spouse’s insurance is added/modified.  If you are counting on spousal support or child support payments, you need to ensure that those payments will always be there.

Life and disability insurance can be modified so that you are designated to receive the payments should your spouse become disabled or die.

4.  Failing to get assets valued. In most marriages, usually, one spouse has more knowledge about the family’s finances than the other. If you are the one who has less of an idea about investment accounts, assets or savings, then make sure that you get every asset appraised.

Negotiations and settlements are based on the actual value of assets, and without an appraisal, you can only be guessing. Further, assets should be evaluated for their potential earnings, too, if you want to get a fair settlement.

Don’t forget to look at assets as a whole, too.  This way, you can account for capital gains, or investment losses, which allows you to determine how one financial choice could affect them all.

5. Don’t forget about taxes! After spending so much time gathering financial documents, pouring through them, deciding who gets what, it would be a sad day if you woke up post divorce and an income tax bill halved your settlement.

Determine the tax consequences before you settle. And, work with your spouse to lower your potential liability during the time you are separated and in the process of a divorce, to ensure that an audit tax bill doesn’t eat up

6. Think about the post-divorce long term. It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day of settling asset divisions or child custody. What are you going to do post-divorce?

Whatever your final settlement is, take it to a financial planner and have them review it so that you can see your financial future.

And, don’t forget to follow up after the divorce: transfer titles of ownership for vehicles or investments; change passwords on your accounts; update life insurance policies; don’t forget about your healthcare proxy or updating your will.

Telling Your Young Children You’re Divorcing

There is nothing easy about getting a divorce, especially when you are worried about your children. How do you tell your little one that mommy and daddy are planning to go their separate ways? The following tips can help you tell your children you are getting a divorce.

Wait For The Right Time: The phrase goes “Timing is everything,” and this is especially true when you are telling your children about the divorce. You should never tell them right before a big event, such as a spelling test or softball game, because this will only add to their stress. You should also make sure you and your ex-spouse are emotionally ready to take this step. Your children are going to need a lot of support to get through this big change.

Create A Support System: It is important to make sure your child has a support system when you break the news of your divorce. You can talk to other family members, their teachers and even the school guidance counselor about the situation. A support system can help get your children through this difficult situation, and they will especially need the support of you and your ex-spouse.

Break The News Together: You may not agree on a lot of things right now, but breaking the news is something you should do together. You do not want your children to hear different reasons or stories, as this could confuse them and make them feel obligated to choose a side. Your children need to know that they can trust you regardless of the divorce.

Keep A Cool Head: It is no secret that your children will not stay calm if you are showing signs of anxiety or anger. You want to use a calm tone when breaking the news and do not argue, badmouth or blame the other parent in front of your children. Causing a scene in front of your children will make them feel worse than they already do.

Make Sure They Understand: A divorce is a big change for young children, so you want to keep it simple and make sure they understand the situation. You can start by explaining that you have grown apart and one parent is going to move out, but make sure you share the visitation schedule so they know they will still see both parents. If your children were present for any arguments, acknowledge the fact that the arguments happened in front of them. You want to get everything out in the open so they understand that you are trying to do what is best for the whole family.

Remind Them It Is Not Their Fault: There is a good chance your children are going to blame themselves for your divorce. While you may not be ready to give them the exact details, it is very important your children know they are not at fault. You can let them know that you have grown apart and must make an adult decision. Remind your children that you both love them regardless of this big change.

Prepare To Answer Questions: Your children are going to have a lot of questions about the divorce and their future. Answering their questions and addressing their concerns are essential to calming their fears. You should also prepare to comfort your children when they express missing their other parent.

It is best to come up with a plan when you are ready to inform your children you will be divorcing. This is a big change and your children are going to need your love and support to get through it.

Tips for Choosing the Best Divorce Lawyer for You

Going through a divorce is rarely easy. In fact, sometimes it can be downright messy. Because there’s a chance that emotions are running high, you’ll want to work with a divorce lawyer that you can trust and that can look out for your best interests. You don’t need a lawyer that can lend you an ear (that’s what professional therapists are for), but you do want a lawyer that can help you focus on what’s important and help guide you through the divorce process.

Of course, some lawyers are better at this than others. The following are a few tips to keep in mind to help you choose the divorce lawyer that’s right for you:

1. Look into the lawyer’s reputation

It’s not too difficult to get an idea of a divorce lawyer’s reputation by simply doing a search online. Unless the attorney you’re looking into has only just started practicing law, there should be some reviews posted by their clients. Websites like Avvo.com are built specifically for finding lawyers and contain lots of client reviews. You can also simply go on to a site like Yelp.com to look for local lawyer reviews.

When you do look at online reviews, make sure to look at both good and bad reviews. Every business tends to have one or two negative reviews even if they are a generally reputable company – the same holds true for lawyers.

You should also check your state bar association. The state bar association keeps public records about any complaints that were filed against lawyers working in the state and of any disciplinary actions that were taken against them.

2. Ask for referrals

A good way to get the name of a reputable divorce attorney is by asking friends, family members or coworkers that you know have gone through the divorce process if they can recommend anyone to you.

3. Ask about their specific experience

First of all, you’ll want to work with a lawyer that deals specifically in divorce cases. Someone that’s more of a tax lawyer isn’t going to do you much good. Find out how many matrimonial cases they’ve handled and how many of those cases ended up going to trial. Divorce lawyers that go to trial often may not be the best negotiators.

Find out how many of their cases involved business valuations, support, custody, large financial settlements and more. While an inexperienced lawyer that’s focusing on divorce law may end up being very good at their job, you should look for someone with some experience behind them – you don’t want to take any risks when it comes to your divorce.

4. Compare the different fees

Make sure they are up front about their billing rates. Some lawyers will charge a retainer as well, which is an upfront sum of money. Find out if their trial fees are different than their hourly rate. Make sure that the billing arrangements are set out in writing.

5. Keep an eye out for red flags

When interviewing a divorce lawyer, keep your eye out for certain red flags. You won’t want to trust a lawyer that speaks about their clients’ cases (they should be confidential) when trying to convince you to hire them. It’s not a good sign if they are distracted by calls or emails during your interview either. Additionally, be wary of lawyers who are disrespectful of the other divorce attorneys you may be interviewing.

Hiring a good divorce attorney is extremely important if you want the process to go smoothly and in your favor. Use these tips to help choose the right divorce lawyer.

The 411 on Pre-Marital Legal Counseling

Since marriage affects virtually every aspect of your life, deciding to tie the knot is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Unfortunately, many California couples are unaware of how marriage will affect their legal rights and responsibilities, and even property ownership, and they never pursue premarital legal counseling before they take their vows.

What is Premarital Legal Counseling?

Premarital legal counseling is designed to help couples thoroughly understand how their legal union may affect them throughout their marriage as well as in the event of a divorce.

These services provide a wealth of information about:

• Community property, separate property, and how property issues are handled.
• The possible impact on a business.
• How issues of child support and spousal support are determined.
• How each spouse’s actions during the marriage might affect his or her rights and responsibilities down the road in ways that may not be expected.

Premarital legal counseling encourages couples to openly communicate about their goals and expectations so they can effectively plan and take the action necessary to build a strong foundation together. While nobody marries with the expectation of divorce, it is estimated that approximately 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. According to a recent study in the Journal of Family Psychology, however, premarital counseling (on a broader scale) reduces a couple’s chance for divorce by 31 percent.

Who Should Seek Premarital Legal Counseling?

Although it is common for couples who are interested in entering into a prenuptial agreement to seek legal counseling, encouraging such an agreement is certainly not the goal. While a prenuptial agreement may be an excellent solution for some couples, it might be merely an unnecessary expense for others. In order to determine the course of action that is most satisfactory for each unique situation, it is recommended that all couples who are planning to marry seek premarital legal counseling. Obtaining this counseling will enable couples to better anticipate possible future problems and reduce the risk for conflict ahead of time.

Premarital legal counseling is especially recommended for couples when:

• There are substantial assets involved.
• A business or home is owned by one of the spouses prior to the marriage.
• Significant debt exists.
• There are pre-existing legal matters.

The laws surrounding divorce, future responsibilities, and the division of assets and debts are very complex in California. Premarital legal counseling can help couples better understand how to ensure that their assets and debts are divided according to their wishes and future responsibilities are planned for in the event of a divorce, or even the death of one of the spouses. When legal arrangements are not made prior to the event (death or divorce), and the divorcing couple cannot come to an agreement, the courts will usually have discretion on how future responsibilities, assets and debts are divided.

All too frequently, couples wait until right before the wedding to seek premarital legal counseling, and while this is better than avoiding legal advice altogether, the emotional stress and added pressures of the upcoming wedding itself can interfere with the couple’s judgement. Experts recommend that couples seek premarital legal counseling approximately six months to one year before they plan to tie the knot so that they have time to adequately evaluate the information provided and make effective decisions both spouses feel comfortable with.

5 Common Traits of a Cheating Spouse

The idea that your partner could be cheating on you is probably enough to make you stop dead in your tracks and feel short of breath. Nobody wants to be cheated on, and if you’re in a relationship, you probably don’t want to confront your partner or have a very difficult discussion either.

If you suspect your partner might be cheating though, there are some common issues that you can look out for. Check for these five common signs of a cheating spouse if you’re worried that your partner may be having an affair.

1. Less Interest in Home Life

When a spouse is cheating, becoming less interested in the things you normally enjoyed at home is common. For example, cooking a romantic dinner together, watching a movie or even playing with your children may be of less interest to somebody who is cheating.

In many cases, cheating partners will spend less time doing these things and do them with less enthusiasm. Often, a cheating partner will prefer alone time where they once enjoyed the company of their spouse or family.

2. Moody Behavior

Cheating brings up a lot of different emotions in different people. For some, cheating can create guilt and anxiety, leading them to be quite moody, even with the partner they are cheating on.

Of course, moody behavior can also be a sign of stress at work or general unhappiness with their professional or home life. Still, increased negativity and moody behavior can be a sign that they resent the relationship and the guilt they’re forced to feel because they’re cheating.

This guilt is often taken out on the spouse who is the victim of cheating.

3. Lack of Affection

Maintaining affection in two relationships is very difficult, and for most people, it can be hard to attend to their spouse when wrapped up in an affair. If your partner doesn’t have much interest in sex, this should be a major tip-off, especially if your sex life was normal before.

Even smaller means of affection like holding hands or saying I love you often suffer. If your partner seems withdrawn and like they don’t want your affection either, a relationship outside of the home could be responsible.

4. Your Partner is Defensive

When you’re in a long-term relationship it’s pretty normal to ask your spouse about their day, what they had for lunch, what their plans for the weekend are, and a whole host of other questions. Most people don’t think of this as an invasion of privacy – at least they don’t if they’re not hiding something.

A partner that’s having an affair outside of the relationship may become defensive though, even when you’re only asking them reasonable, normal questions. A spouse that refuses to answer or can’t answer when you ask them about an event or upcoming plans may also be hiding or something or leaving room to see somebody outside of the relationship.

5. Your Spouse is Rarely Home

It might seem obvious, but if your spouse is rarely around the house, there’s a fair chance that they could be having a relationship other than yours. A busy work schedule or uptick in time spent on a hobby could be to blame, but if your spouse can’t account for time away from home, it could be because of cheating.

Ambivalence or inability to tell you where they were when away from the house is also a common sign of cheating. Believe it or not, many people don’t come up with elaborate stories to cover their tracks when cheating on their spouse.